Tonight, I feel lost and alone. My wife and I are going through an almost daily cycle of fighting followed by reconciliation, forgiveness, and decent conversation followed by more fighting. It seems like I am having a very hard time allowing things to stay calm.
I was listening to the radio today, and a series of ads came on. The first was a beer ad, with its typical tactic of describing what a “real man” does in his spare time, of course including drinking said beer. The next was an ad for something that’s supposed to boost testosterone in men over 30. It described symptoms that implied that all men once did not have them, like low muscle-mass, low drive to exercise, and a low sex drive. I thought about these ads, and I realized that I couldn’t relate to either of them. I don’t do the things that the beer commercial suggested, never really wanted to. I never had any muscle mass to speak of, and certainly no drive to exercise. I think my sex drive is healthy, but it is, admittedly, lower than the “average”, at least as society seems to think it should be.
My wife says I’m too emotional. Is it related? Have I always been less of a man? Is it why I don’t have a good relationship with God? Is it why I don’t have any good friends? Is it why I don’t get along with women? Is it why I don’t seem to understand that I just said something that was hurtful?
My wife loves to stay up late and talk. It doesn’t matter if the conversation is positive or negative, it never ends good. Eventually, something in me clicks, and I’m done, and I start to get impatient. My mind starts to wander, I start to make comments about going to bed. I start to feel like my needs aren’t being met (or even noticed, sometimes), and I get increasingly frustrated. After a while, I say something that’s insensitive, and boom, the night is shot.
God, I pray for patience and understanding. I pray for the stamina I need to make it through the hard times, as well as the good. I pray for my wife’s patience and understanding as well.